My Guardian's Angels

 Actually I have a confession here though I know I knew one of them may not be able to read it and another may not have the time to read it as well because he doesn't read blog or else. But I really want to express my gratitude and gratefulness to have around me and I definitely will not trade them for anything else. Remember all those drama's that show their children or lover willing to trade their life just to rescue their beloved? I definitely have come to that conclusion that I will be their trade if they life threatening event in their life. Once I never thought I will that kind of person that will risk my own life to rescue my loves ones but an event happened in my life that took a toil in my present life give me a second thought of it.

Since earlier this year after Chinese New Year, I knew my psychological was a bit odd, my mentally and emotionally was so unstable but I have never thought of something will happen to me until I was admitted to hospital for my gastric check-up as I was diagnose with gastric inflammation which kind of serious but I will not show you the pictures of it because it is gross and I wouldn't want to see it again now that I'm recovering. After I was put on endoscopy and colonoscopy for check-up, I follow what the doctor advise me to do whether in medical wise, foods and beverage wise and on how to take care and control it but within few weeks it doesn't goes away and I got more worse.

I immediately called up the doctor and make an appointment for another check-up, results shows that there is not much improving and the doctor talked to me, finally the doctor came to a conclusion for me to consult a counselor or psychologist as I'm facing anxiety disorder and depression. The doctor prescript me Xanax and Luvox to the extend what a doctor could but keep advising me to seek for treatment because the doctor shouldn't prescript me that medicine that long. Before that I know I have depression by self diagnose since me myself graduate from the course itself but never in my life have the thought of I experiencing it and was taking the medicine.

The moments, I was prescript for that medicine I seriously mentally and psychological collapsed, I cried and worried for my well being but I couldn't do much. Plus my blood results show that I have minor Thalassemia in me which is a genetic disorder, lucky me it is not serious and it is just minor. I never knew that though MummyQ has always said that I have unhealthy blood but I never knew something like this. I went to hospital check-up years long back then and I noticed something odd when the nurse draw some blood from my arm but they never inform me that I have it, what they told me is to have more iodine foods and prescript me iodine pills to take it daily. That was younger me, I hated that medicine so much because it taste so bad and gave a strong odour of urine smell every time I took it, if I knew back then, if I was inform back then I guess things won't go until this bad. Added to this news, it sadden me even more which lead to no good for my well-being at the moment. Plus I worked in a company that doesn't care of their employee's well-being and given us stress to the amount of wore us off entirely. We love what we're working at but because of the managing director which is the boss of the company everyone felt like leaving the place at once. Having one superior like this is already enough while I have two of them which lead me to this state of sanity is really unbearable. A boss that keep threatening you from time to time whether it is physical or verbal and a superior that follow the boss step really wore me off entirely. Ex-colleagues was very kind to me but they all have fear in the boss and my superior which lead them to no defense for themselves, therefore, I've not anger or blame them for not protecting me plus they don't have a HR department to refer to. All of them wanted to leave the place at once but because of the contract that they sign, they have no choice but to stay unless they have the money to compensate.

My situation was really bad, I wanted to resign but I couldn't at the end they force me resign after they knew my situation, I consulted labor law and industrial relation but they couldn't do much because of the contract that I blindly and accidentally sign. They forced me to write my resignation letter with the superior behind me, when I refused to write, the superior write it for me. I was devastated that day more over MummyQ was admitted to hospital, I'm lost, I'm crushed, I'm felt like dying in an instant at the moment. When I was driving home, I cried non-stop, I scream non-stop, I keep beating myself non-stop, I finally come to understand my people can behave this way just before they have the thought of suicidal. Yes, I have the thought I suicide at that moment, I see no end of this problem, I'm the caused of this problems and causing MummyQ to lose that much amount of money just to rescue me out from the shitty assholes faker framer company make me want to die even more. Just before, I did something really stupid, a call from a friend really rescue me and I really thank that friend of mine for going through this journey with me even accompany me at the hospital until midnight. Why Boyf didn't console me? Well that time he was totally mad at me for not being brave enough to bring this to court and submit myself to them just like that, well I don't want to but the company was surrounded with gate and my car was park inside the compound, I couldn't run if I wanted to because surrounded by the closed gate and was forced to write that resignation letter. I didn't blame him for that, that he is so mad at me because it is my coward act and behavior that I couldn't stand-up to defense myself. I never ever want them to know that I have the suicidal thought at that day, just enough that my best friend know it, they even took turn to talk to me and keep me busy with conversation so I wouldn't do anything stupid, just few minutes I'm late replaying them, they will call me up, even a beset friend from Singapore whose busy with work keep accompany through mobile. They bring me out as well, they supported me so much during my most darkest time and most embarrassed time, though their not rich but they keep wanting to help me financially as well just because of that idiot company. All just because they want to rescue me from that company as well, just like MummyQ. Boyf was nice enough to regained his senses the next day and supported me though he didn't know that I had the suicide thought. And I never want them to know as well.

I left the company.

But my self-esteem was crushed.

My fear of working haven't fully overcome.

My fear of meeting people haven't overcome as I find human are the scariest species in this planet, even scariest than spirit or ghost. But I'm taking up courage now and start hunting for jobs.

My emotionally and psychologically still unstable.

I stopped taking Xanax and Luvox, I want to heal naturally not through medicine.

I'm taking Chinese Medicine as well that now I had stopped taking western medicine because of the  assholes company my Qi in my body was in a mess.

I'm recovering.

I'm still ashamed to tell people of what I've been through as society still have the bias, judgmental and discrimination. But I'm not ashamed of myself since I managed to skip the suicide thought and now has ut it aside.

Of course I didn't consult any counselor nor psychologist because I'm a psychologist graduate student and Boyf too. Not that I'm ashamed to consult one because I know very well how important it is but I knew I have to overcome this by myself. Consult them is just part of the treatment but at the end the decision will still have to made by myself. And on top of that, I'm not treating myself which is not a right thing to do and it also can lead to harmful outcome but I'm aware of how the treatment goes so, I decided not to seek on and take up courage to overcome this.

I never wanted to write nor let people know what I had been go through because this is something very personal and very private to me and I just want to keep it close with the people who is very close to me only.

But Robin Williams passed away recently and there is a speculate that he had depression and I saw a commentator comment something like "Be brave, to go through this why suicide?", "Don't let negativity conquer you, just be positive!" and many more... Well, I want to say is, depression is something not that simple and to be act out just by words. It is beyond that, that is why there is psychiatry, psychologist and counselor there for them. The happiest person doesn't mean the person doesn't have depression. The person who bring so much laughter into life doesn't mean the person doesn't have depression. Depression is something a person cannot control and doesn't know until it has been diagnose. No body is aware of it until harmful event occur.

I never thought I will experience it too and neither Boyf notice something odd in me though he did notice my emotion is a lil bit different as time pass by. No body notice it at all. So never judge a person like that, they may not even know they have it. For a person who never experience depression before, never say a word lightly, a simple word may disgrace them who are fighting it and it will sadden the people who are around them and loves them.

When I heard the news, I seriously sadden by the news. He is a very well respected actor and I've watched his movies since at very young age. I don't know how many more are there people facing this and have passed away because of this. I hope there will be less than more in coming future as I see and experienced the moment of the scariest part in my life but was lucky enough to received a call that saved my life. Even only a second, a depression can take people life, just that second, a second for other maybe nothing but for someone who are fighting and experience it that second is scary and is very crucial second. So never say a word so lightly because you don't know that second of moment what they are experiencing. Thanks to my friends who never leave me behind or discriminate me though they knew I have depression, that very months they keep monitor me from times to times, therefore, the unfortunate event never happen to me.

Lucky enough I have MummyQ and Boyf supported me through out these few months, they are my guardian angels and I will not trade anything or exchange anything for them. I'm blessed to have them in my life, as for Boyf, I'm very thankful for that he didn't abandoned me and still accept for who I am and the flaw I have.

I'm still very regretful that I still couldn't lessen the burden for MummyQ and still keeping her worry in my current state. I've disappoint her so much, worry her so much and my recent incident also took a toll in her health. I'm really sorry for that. If I were given a change to change my past, I will never ever go to that company. The company is the biggest mistake I made in my life and I really hope karma will befall to the boss and the superior one day after all the evil deeds and abusive acts they commit to myself and my ex-colleagues. To be honest, I'm not the one who suffer from this, another ex-colleagues of mine suffer the same as mine to the stage where she really wanted to die at the moment to be with her late father, all others of her family members and relatives was so concerned about her that eventually they supported her to leave the company and will help to compensation the amount of money she need to pay as well. Not only the two of us, there is few more. Many has left the company and few more unable to left the company and among of them still didn't realize what's happening to them. I'm not a religious person but may God's bless them.

To my guardian angels, I love you very much! MummyQ, Boyf.

P.s: If ever my voice-up opinion offended anyone, please accept my apology and I apologize in advance for that. My purpose is not to disgrace or offend anyone but just to tell from my point of view and my personal experience, I hope you'll understand and don't make a ruckus act or comment for that. For that, I thank you you all from the bottom of my heart. Thank you.

Last but not least, please hope and pray that I'l get better soon and soon the old me will be back again in action. I really miss the old me. To the old me, please come back soon, I missing you badly already.

This entry was posted on 18 August 2014 and is filed under . You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0. You can leave a response.

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